Nice Rack!


You know, just because I titled this story "Nice Rack!" and I gave the same name to the above image, this particular post is bound to receive like 50,000 hits. Sigh...it's a sad commentary that the pinnacle achievement in human communication (the internet) is essentially a vessel for pornography...I guess we're not so far removed from the jungle after all.


Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was my bike rack (booooring!!!!).  Well, if this article can't be about sex, then why not wanton violence?  Just LOOK at that picture of my rusted out bike rack.  I mean, does that look SAFE to you?  Just imagine my bike and/or ski box rattling free at 87 mph to go flying through the air only to crash into the windshield of an oncoming semi truck causing it to Jackknife into an oncoming school bus filled with...wait...imagine if it hit one of those trucks with those wire cages filled with CHICKENS!  Imagine the CARNAGE of thousands of feathers exploding into the air at the heart of a massive collision between two destructive, out of control semi trailers!  Wouldn't that be fantastic!!!

Er...I mean...terrible?

I don't know, maybe my rack isn't really all that big a danger.  I think it just looks worse than it is.  You see, there's a long and sad story about my bike rack.  When I moved down to Peru (awesome time, you all should quit your jobs and move to Peru for 10 years too, seriously, no excuses) I sold my car to my brother.  For some reason, my brother decided to rip the bike rack off my (well, I guess it was his) car.  If you know my brother, you know that when he decides that metal must bend to his will, he doesn't reason with it.  It turns into this huge Herculean battle that usually ends up with the metal resigning in quivering fear and my brother running into his house to get some gauze for his bleeding knuckles.

When I bought my car back from him upon my triumphant return to the US (he was moving to Pittsburgh because he thought it sounded like fun to go and party with Ben Roethlisberger), he gave me a dirty shopping bag filled with the bike rack parts. He also gave me back the bars which were all crusted and wrinkled as you see in the above picture.

You know, there's probably a whole group of furious parents out there who have formed a coalition that "informs" people that they should change their bike rack bars every 3 months for maximum safety or some other nonsense like that. Seriously, isn't there a coalition for EVERYTHING these days! Somebody does a study that shows that 3 lives are lost over a 10 year period because of faulty o-rings on kitchen blenders...and suddenly there's a coalition that has a wild new year's day celebration when they drop that number down by 33% at the end of the following decade (they always neglect to mention that six people got killed at the party).

Well, those darn racks are made of STEEL, and a little superficial rust doesn't make it any less weak in my opinion. Besides, if you're driving behind me, you should be worrying about the rust on the chassis and not on the rack.

Frankly...I think I've got a pretty nice rack, even if I do say so myself.

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